Mommy breakdown day. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it was that started the gigantic Indian Jones cannon ball of furry rolling, maybe it was….
- The tantrums over every and all diaper changes today
- The complete rejection of getting dressed
- The crying for milk constantly the second I left the house without a bottle
- The tearing and bending of book pages
- It could have been the throwing of bathroom trash in the toilet
- All attempts to eat rocks, lotion, perfume bottles, garbage…
- Or when the blossoms of my marigolds were plucked in their prime
- the spiting and throwing of yogurt
- the rejection of what I made for lunch
- the crying… oh the crying for no apparent reason and every reason
- The little girl who desperately wanted to jump into a violent mountain stream
- The melt down on the way to target
- the refusal to sit in the baby seat of the shopping cart
- Or the worn out mommy who carried around a 15 month old, all through target
- Could have been the fit at the check out
- the one of the way home
- The throwing of my cell phone onto the concrete that caused none of the buttons to work for a couple of hours
- the 5 bites that I received to my forearms
- The pushing of computer buttons while I tried to look up something to make for dinner
- The attempts to reach up and touch the stove burners
- The grabbing of knives
- The screaming over wet, shampooed and rinsed hair
- Hmmmm, perhaps it was the refusal of diaper cream and then all the attempts to eat it
- The peeing on the carpet as mom cleaned up the diaper cream disaster
- The poop on the bed sheets, that was forgotten from the previous night and had to be changed while 15 month old cried to go night night.
- Or maybe it was just my lack of sleep from all of the nightly potty breaks (5 to be exact)
Whatever it happened to be, I spanked Fiona today.
Maybe some of you don’t think that’s a big deal, but it caused me an extreme amount of “spanker’s remorse” and tears.
I watch her get shoved around and smacked by kids who are older than her on a regular basis and it makes me crazy. She has become very apprehensive around other kids, she cringes when someone runs towards her, and covers her head in fear if someone approaches her with a toy… as if without a doubt they are going to whack her in the head with it.
I have been worried my child is growing to fear other children….
And then I go and hit her… me, her protection and safety in the world.
Today I felt like giving up. Sometimes being a mom is overwhelming, to my utmost breaking point. (It has it’s good points too, see 90% of blog posts for highlights of parenthood)
Sorry Fiona… today you were one tough little cookie, and I lost it.